Ordinary Love. An invitation to true wellness culture

Postmodernity is too egocentric. This includes current “spiritual” trends.

Here’s what an alternative can look like: Yesterday Dara asked Jason to install a window A/C unit in Val’s room; he came over and did it. Last night a participant shared struggling with a contract at work, and a lawyer in the session volunteered to help her redline it. My sister watches the kids while I help my brother-in-law move their furniture to make room for the new baby. If this doesn’t sound special, that’s the point. You’re already doing this, that’s also the point.

I’m not writing to admonish us to “get rid” of the “ego”—a particular self-identity*. I think it’s too hard for modern Americans, steeped in a culture of individualism. I love life, people, experience, and I think a good life includes a sense of “me.” Instead, I want to expand the sense of self to go much beyond the concept of “my body, my history” to see the larger whole these are part of. One upshot of this is gratitude, even for what I usually think of as “Jordan’s”—like these thoughts thunk in English. I needed English to think ‘em, so how much are they ‘mine’? 

Automated & consensual narrative lock-in

We know that social media exacerbated this. Many studies show narcissism and loneliness increasing faster with mass adoption of social media, especially after 2012. Young kids don’t want to serve as a fireman or doctor anymore, they want to be adored as an influencer (We’re working on this social media problem by launching UpTrust). 

Now I worry that AI is exponentiating this self-reification trend to unprecedented levels.

Last week I met four people who were convinced that their personal ChatGPT interface, molding its “personality” to respond based on their unique interactions, was a sentient being. If you think our filter bubbles are bad now, imagine what it’s like when we have 8 billion of them? Each individual’s personal collection of bots reinforcing whatever identity feels special, safe, and comfortable, no matter how limited and delusional?

There’s nothing wrong with specialness, safety, and comfort, but neither is there anything wrong with ordinariness, risk, and discomfort. Transformation, life, intimacy, and play all demand both. Are we bleaching the color of life in pursuit of maintaining a self? What are we so afraid of that we hide from becoming? Life is transformation. Relating requires and changes our uniqueness. Other people providing friction and challenge—that’s a service, freely given to all at birth.

Perhaps the trap isn’t narcissism. It’s any reification of identity via any narrative frame, especially spiritual ones, designed to parade as if they’re narrative-free. And the cost is ordinary love.

Transcend and exclude often means we fall back into less maturity

I’m still trying to get my mind and language around this, so I’m going to highlight the contrast to see the phenomena more clearly. Does your coach / (AI) therapist / culture / practice help you:

• Express more gratitude? Become more forgiving? Be more accepting of others’ flaws? “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court”?
  Or say you should be treated a very particular way (reifying a victim identity?)

• Build infrastructure that’s super helpful but unsexy? Do things that are good for others without recognition? Feed those who are hungry? Do mundane things for the local whole like pick up trash that’s not yours?
  Or build a marketing funnel that will help you promote yourself and perpetuate the ‘me’ ‘me’ ‘me’ cycle? 

• Love your friends and family better? Accept being misunderstood? Show up to their events and support their successes? Take care of them when they’re sick? Be more generous? Patient, humble, respectful, loyal, temperate? Maintain commitments regardless of feelings?
  Or emphasize your in-the-moment desire above all else, calling impulsivity and self-centeredness ‘surrender’?

• Develop boundaries as expressions of love and connection? Face challenges with grace and acceptance? Take responsibility for your pain, flaws, mistakes, shadows, and limitations?
  Or use "boundaries" to control others and force them to change according to your preferences?

• Admit ignorance, learn from criticism, hold your beliefs lightly, speak simply about profound experiences, work steadily without needing dramatic breakthroughs, notice your defensive patterns without performatively announcing them, contribute to social understanding, love others as they are?
  Or position yourself as having rare insights to help others transcend their limitations through your techniques and advice?

This list can go on; I wish I could speak to the connection and community side more but I’m stuck in my own bias. 

I’m not saying it’s easy, we of course need guides, mentors, feedback–it’s so complicated! Nor am I saying its special—all of this has been said for thousands of years! I’m trying to highlight a healthy version of one pole and unhealthy versions of another on purpose to get more clarity on where we are deeply unbalanced today. This is especially true of ‘spiritual’ hotbeds like San Francisco, Boulder, Ubud, Amsterdam. Austin is somewhat counterbalanced by its Texas-ness—cowboy culture still emphasizes family, duty and sacrifice to a greater good beyond ‘you’. Plus our immigrants are a little more integrated.

What’s up with me?

Anyway, I ask myself: Why do I care?

Sure, practices purported to transcend ego instead teach self-absorption. But it’s in the name— "personal growth" and “self-help.” What’s got me?

Because I’m guilty of all of this. 

Sometimes despite my best efforts, I’ve taught people to ignore their minds in order to stay with the sensations of their bodies (rather than integrating them); to ‘surrender’ to their feelings-in-the-moment and ignore larger consequences or agreements and the greater wholes that hold them. I’ve corrected a lot of these mistakes, made amends, even evolved the practice and training. Yet I still can’t quite escape the selfishness of ‘wellness’ culture. Prime example: a couple years ago we hosted a “Give Fest” at the Relateful Studio in Austin with a reverse silent auction, where people bid on what they wanted to give to a local nonprofit. Even my wife and I didn’t follow through on what we ‘won.’

Let us redefine wellness and self-development. Let us change the metrics to gratitude, forgiveness, acceptance of our and others' flaws, showing up for family, friendship, and our greater communities. Let us celebrate unglamorous, unwitnessed interdependence.

Three alternatives: what is it all for?

Burning Man is actually a great example of a positive alternative. The economy is about gifting—and after your first year, it’s well known that to get the most out of the experience, you need to give. People camp in communities, build massive art projects and cars together, and give them freely without credit, burning them at the end. It’s all about creating for the whole, being present with each other in non-transactional relating. All of this disrupts the self-reification loops in such a way that people are consistently shaken from long held encumbrances, and come out of the desert transformed. I say this as an admirer but not a fanatic—I went to Black Rock City in 2012 and 2014, and then didn’t go again.

Relatefulness

Relatefulness, especially in Level Up ⬆’s Leadership Program and the The Relateful Coaching Training, does not fall into these problem nearly as badly as almost every other community I’ve seen. We claim our directionality of truth + love. This means the personal can’t be number one—individual expression and growth is always in service of something greater. Of course we make mistakes. (For example, the Level Up structure highlighted individualism. We’ll be returning to a cohort-only model this Fall—more on that in a future email). But we’ve done a really good job focusing on being with what is, especially relationally and communally. 

We don’t abandon compassion and honesty in service of making sure people feel seen, heard, cultivating a ‘safe space,’ or maintaining instagram-defined-trauma-therapy-norms. This is hard, because I not only want people to feel seen, heard, safe, and heal, I think it’s crucial for a healthy community and for the true pursuit of truth and love. It just needs to be in service of love/truth, rather than an end unto itself. It needs to come authentically from the moment, not as a script or status signal or performance. We run into generative friction embracing the seeming paradox of this polarity all the time, and it is incredibly demanding of our facilitators to walk this tight rope. It demands that we are always changing, individually as leaders, as a community, and even the practice itself. Even our coaching teaches revealing identity commitments, inherently making the self an object in a larger self that can choose “yes” or “no” to, versus reinforcing a self and an existing worldview.

And even as we teach people how to meta-narrate as a way to witness and disembed themselves from unconscious habits that have been running them, we recognize that the compulsion to name and categorize experiences—spiritual or otherwise—often becomes a form of conceptual possession, serving self preservation rather than self-transformation.

Frozen
The Disney movie Frozen shows another fantastic example of a healthy alternative. (I just watched the Broadway version with my kids this weekend, so it's fresh on my mind). 

In my view, the critical part of Elsa moving from “Conceal don’t reveal” to “Let it Go” is not about self-expression, it's about surrendering the need to control, particularly others’ reactions to her true nature. As a result she loves what she previously saw as her shame (her ice power), an identity transformation that eliminates the victim-perpetrator dynamic entirely and unlocks her ability to use her power for everyone’s benefit.

But of course the most incredible part is reframing the trope of “true love”—not just from romantic to familial love, but about the act of loving others. The secret that ‘healed’ Anna’s frozen heart wasn’t receiving ‘true love’ from someone else, but her performing a selfless act of true love herself. Even better, she truly loved the one who accidentally caused the curse in the first place, in a show of what I like to call “true forgiveness”—there was never any threat to love’s presence in the first place. So in some real sense, nothing to forgive. Family love, particularly love that endures despite harm, represents the ordinary, unglamorous love that doesn't depend on worthiness or reciprocity (romantic love ideally is the same, but often feels like something we need to earn or could lose). 

Oh and there’s the wonderful Olaf, as a projection of the best of Anna and Elsa’s innocence in childhood. And I love that it’s not spiritual :)
 

True spirituality isn’t spiritual (and is definitely not about ‘me’)

As usual, I’m writing this for myself as much as anyone. Can I experience states of fundamental wellbeing, help others, and act with virtue and integrity without any internal or external narration / validation? Without needing it to be spiritual development? Who would be accumulating spiritual experiences or qualities anyway, and what would they be good for if not to benefit the whole of existence?

Can all of my mastery lead me to being completely ordinary? Not needing actions to be recognized as anything, even by myself, I respond to what's in front of me without overlaying (spiritual) significance.

And can I not do that for the sake of development either? If I notice that self-referential trap, may I love myself in it and move on with the normal good stuff of living. The self-referential loop is infinite if I engage it.

Instead, let me show up lovingly for the sake of itself, because that’s what love does.

—

*Although that is a path that can work for some people like Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle, it’s a hard one to “do” because the will that acts needs to eventually be transcended. In both of their histories, their dissolution was more done to them.

(this will be sent out to my #TTT email in a couple of days, but UpTrust gets the early exclusive ;) )

How do we get to a future with a more tech literate society? There are so many things that are coming down the pipeline that both sacrifice people’s technological freedoms and violate their privacy:

• Google has recently decided to start determining who’s allowed to create apps that can be installed on Android.
• Mississippi has passed an onerous and dangerous age verification check to social media sites that require them to obtain, retain sensitive information about their users.
• Germany is in the process of making ad-blocking illegal on copyright grounds.
• The EU has proposed chat control legislation that would make decryption of all messages by the government a requirement for all messaging apps, basically requiring a back door to all communication.

Now, these are definitely varying degrees of ridiculousness, but they are just a subset of the attempts at eroding privacy and safety of people online.

In the past, there have been major protests against similar attempts:

• You might remember SOPA and PIPA blackouts on many major sites.
• This is far from the first time that the EU has attempted to insert communication back doors.
• A few years ago, Google’s attempt at enforcing particular software and software configurations being on user’s machines was rejected due to an outcry. (Web Environment Integrity)

And while we’ve had those wins, the governments and corporations keep trying to force through efforts to control our electronic devices, how we interact with them, and what we’re allowed to do on them. And there have been successes in the interim:

• Microsoft has basically tricked nearly all Windows users into tying their local Windows OS to online accounts and include invasive telemetry giving them constant access to your system.
• Apple and Google have positioned themselves as trusted arbiters of what’s safe to install on your phone while letting through malware and scams on their own platforms.
• The DMCA has been weaponized and misused by corporations to strike down content they don’t like and steal money from creators.
• John Deere makes it illegal for farmers to operate on their own equipment costing them precious time while they wait for approved technicians to repair what they used to be able to do on their own.
• Newer cars can be shut down on the whim of the manufacturer without any sort of due process of the owner.

My theory is that tech literacy is going down. Sure, more and more people can use phones, but the understanding of how those devices work and the implications of these “attacks” on freedom to interact with them are not well spread.

So, I ask, how do we get to a future with a society that understands better how technology works, that is better informed so they can push back against draconian legislation and company decisions?

#FutureYouLove

Trump, Stargate, and Vaccines for Cancer. I'm cringing reading articles and seeing videos showing Trump, Sam Altman, and Larry Ellison speaking about using A.I. to develop vaccines for cancer.

I have something I call "The Farmer's Market rule." I spoke about this on the Vendy podcast with Jordan. It is a metaphor for working with coaches, facilitators, and wellbeing practitioners.

When I go to the farmers market, I don't just look at the food people are selling.. I also look at the people selling the food.

I ask myself, "Do I want to look like this person who is selling me this food?"

I do the same for facilitators, trainers, and Wellbeing practitioners: "Does this person live in a way I want to embody more fully in my life?"

I would not go to Altman, Trump, or Ellison for Wellbeing guidance + wisdom. Maybe for advice and wisdom in other domains and themes.

We really need leaders who are embodying Wellbeing to lead our planetary and national wellbeing initiatives. I cringe when I see people who I judge as disembodied pioneering these explorations. It feels like a recipe for disaster with the possibility to cause a lot of harm to a lot of people.

Teal Version of US Democracy. I asked ChatGpt what changes could be made to US democracy to make it teal. I really dig these concepts. I hadn’t ever heard of Liquid Voting before, and it sounds cool as heck.

1. Ranked-Choice Voting (RCV) on a National Scale
   Description: Ranked-choice voting allows voters to rank candidates in order of preference rather than voting for just one candidate. If no candidate wins a majority of first-choice votes, the candidate with the fewest votes is eliminated, and their votes are redistributed based on voters’ next preferences. This process continues until a candidate wins a majority.
   Teal Impact: RCV encourages more nuanced, cooperative, and less divisive campaigns, as candidates are incentivized to appeal to a broader range of voters, not just their base. It reduces the polarization inherent in two-party systems and promotes coalition-building, which aligns with teal values of inclusivity, complexity thinking, and the integration of diverse perspectives.

2. Deliberative Voting Structures
   Description: Deliberative democracy involves structured, informed, and inclusive discussions among citizens prior to voting. Participants engage in dialogue to explore different viewpoints and potential solutions before casting their vote.
   Teal Impact: This would encourage citizens to move beyond partisan talking points and engage in deep, meaningful discussions about policy and candidates. It fosters greater empathy, collaboration, and systems thinking—key elements of teal governance—by helping voters understand the interconnectedness of issues and the long-term consequences of their choices.

3. Proportional Representation
   Description: In a proportional representation system, legislative seats are allocated based on the percentage of votes each party receives. For example, if a party receives 30% of the vote, they would hold 30% of the seats in the legislature.
   Teal Impact: Proportional representation encourages a more inclusive and diverse political landscape by allowing multiple parties and viewpoints to be represented. This system discourages binary winner-take-all thinking and creates space for collaboration and compromise. In a teal system, this would better reflect the complex spectrum of human development and values, leading to a more integrated and balanced government.

4. Liquid Democracy
   Description: Liquid democracy allows voters to either cast their own vote on issues or delegate their vote to a trusted representative or expert. Unlike traditional representative systems, delegations can be revoked or reassigned at any time, allowing for a dynamic and responsive voting structure.
   Teal Impact: Liquid democracy would enable a more fluid and flexible form of representation, where citizens could actively participate in areas where they feel knowledgeable and delegate in areas where they do not. This approach mirrors teal values by empowering individuals to engage in governance based on their unique strengths and knowledge, while also fostering collective intelligence by delegating decisions to trusted experts when needed.

5. Holacratic Voting
   Description: Holacratic governance is a decentralized system where power is distributed among roles or circles rather than individuals. In a holacratic voting structure, small, autonomous groups (circles) would vote on issues related to their specific roles and areas of expertise.
   Teal Impact: A holacratic system of voting would distribute decision-making power more evenly across the population, reflecting the teal emphasis on self-organization and decentralization. Citizens would have more direct influence on issues relevant to their communities and professions, creating a more organic and adaptable system of governance that empowers people at all levels.

6. Consensus-Based Voting for Key Decisions
   Description: Instead of simple majority rule, consensus-based voting requires that decisions achieve broad agreement among participants, often with mechanisms to ensure minority voices are heard. Modifications to proposals can be made to accommodate different viewpoints.
   Teal Impact: Consensus-based voting aligns with teal’s focus on inclusivity, cooperation, and holistic solutions. It prevents majoritarian dominance and encourages decision-making processes that take into account the needs and concerns of all stakeholders. This approach fosters a deeper sense of community and shared responsibility, which is essential in a teal democracy.

7. Policy Feedback Loops and Systems Thinking in Voting
   Description: In a teal democracy, voting structures could be designed to include mechanisms for ongoing policy feedback loops. Citizens would have the ability to vote on policies or amendments, but also provide real-time feedback on how policies are working through ongoing participatory platforms.
   Teal Impact: This system would help voters think in complex, systems-based terms, encouraging them to consider the long-term and interconnected effects of policies. By integrating feedback loops into the voting structure, it would create a more adaptive and responsive governance system that evolves based on the changing needs and conditions of society, aligning with teal’s focus on evolutionary development.

8. Blockchain-Based Voting for Transparency and Trust
   Description: Blockchain technology can be used to create a secure, transparent voting system that allows for tamper-proof voting records. Voters can cast their votes digitally, and the system ensures that each vote is counted accurately while preserving voter anonymity.
   Teal Impact: Blockchain voting would enhance trust in the electoral process by providing complete transparency and accountability. This technology could reduce concerns about fraud or manipulation and make elections more accessible, particularly for marginalized communities. Teal democracy values transparency, trust, and fairness, and blockchain would support these principles.

9. Participatory Budgeting at National and Local Levels
   Description: Participatory budgeting allows citizens to directly decide how to allocate a portion of the public budget. It has been used successfully in cities around the world to give citizens a direct say in how funds are spent on community projects.
   Teal Impact: By scaling participatory budgeting to both local and national levels, a teal voting structure would empower citizens to engage in collaborative decision-making about public resources. This process would deepen civic engagement, promote collective responsibility, and ensure that public spending aligns more closely with the needs and priorities of the people.

10. Multi-Level and Issue-Specific Voting
    Description: In a teal democracy, voters could have the opportunity to vote on different levels of governance (local, state, national) and on specific issues, such as environmental policy, healthcare, or education, through issue-based elections. This could allow citizens to participate more actively in areas they are passionate or knowledgeable about.
    Teal Impact: Issue-specific voting reflects teal values by encouraging deeper engagement in governance. Citizens can focus their energy on specific issues where they have expertise or passion, allowing for more nuanced and informed decisions. It would also decentralize power and ensure that specific areas of governance are shaped by those most interested and knowledgeable about them.